Sometimes I feel like there is no God and that my fate is in my hands. I used to be a girl who relied on faith for everything. I prayed every night and sang christian songs while twirling about –seriously. I could be seen at Church every Sunday singing the loudest with tears streaming down my cheeks –no lie. But thinking back now, I feel I went through it all on my own. Through all the difficult times I’ve suffered through, I prayed daily with a broken heart for strength and courage. Pft.. I made it through, but I barely made it. The strength and courage I asked for then never came through and I walked each day like a zombie.
Then I think of the time when my prayer was once answered. I was running for ASB as Student Body President for my elementary school. Having been in America for only 2 and a half years, my broken english was barely heard as I whispered “Vote for me, I was champion of Korea!” What i meant to say was, I was a great student in Korea and there was SO MUCH MORE I wanted to say! But that was my speech. I proclaimed champion of Korea and won the election. Rewinding back to the beginning, before I was called on stage to answer why I should be elected, I sat in the back row with my hands in prayer. I quietly whispered to God that I needed this, no, that I wanted it to make my parents proud of me. I had just met my parents 2 and a half years ago then and I was on a mission to win their love. I didn’t do it for myself and heck, I didn’t even know what I was running for. After my 2 second speech, I nearly cried from embarrassment. I couldn’t even express my shame in words because I was such a fob. But no, I won it. I became the first girl Student Body President and I was stupid happy about it.
But what if all that was just luck? There are a few other factors that could explain that miracle… I did have two younger sisters attending the same school and all their little buddies voted for me too.. Let’s say that’s just 40 votes that I had in my favor through sister love. Could that be possible?
Everytime I lose faith and question God’s existence, I think of that very moment. That moment I prayed knowing that an innocent child’s prayer is louder than the millions heard. Maybe I’ve been asking for all the wrong things… or maybe the answer is right here in front of me and I just can’t see it!
I miss Him. The little quiet times I had just sitting there in prayer. <<< Typing that was awfully hard. I felt like a creepy religious freak. You know, them Christina people in front of Korean grocery stores who practically chase you down with a pamphlet in hand. Eh, maybe you don’t…
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Lately I’ve been too tired to fight. I’ve always been a strong fighter… not physically, but mentally. I’m a survivor and if I was to die, that’s how I’d like to be remembered. As a survivor. Thinking back now, I was crazy brave. Heck, I packed up and left to the other end of this country in hopes of achieving something in life with just $200 in my pocket. Gosh.. what a waste of my life that was… and that $200 too.
I feel like I’ve lost passion for life.. maybe it’s me aging. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like doing anything anymore. I’d rather sit at home and stare at a book for hours instead of enjoying the sun outside. I haven’t felt as beautiful as I once felt and staring at the mirror annoys me. I’m smoking more than ever now but haven’t drank as much. Maybe that’s the problem.. I need more alcohol. My liver is probably bored of life.
I miss painting.. I miss taking random photos of random things.. I miss drawing and making cute things. I miss me.
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I felt I should have added that I won that election even with promises of free pizzas and sodas every friday by the other kids running for ASB. yup… They picked the champion…
